by Sean
Creation (Genesis, Believe it or Not)
“In the beginning God…” and this has irritated a lot of people, probably because they were not asked to do the job.
“In the beginning God created …” Isn’t that just the greatest intro? No wonder the Bible has been such a great seller, but I digress.
Now where was I, oh yes, nothing existed yet, and I mean nothing. No universe, no matter, no energy; just God. God said to the Holy Spirit and Jesus, “Hey, why don’t We make some stuff?”
And They said, “Sure. What kind of stuff would You like to make?”
God replied, “How about birds and trees and stuff like that?”
The other two in The Trinity asked, “What are birds and trees?”
God said, “That’s just My point. They don’t exist yet. Let’s invent them. This is something I have been dreaming up for billions of years.” They all agreed that it was a divinely inspired idea, so The Creator went ahead and did a bunch of creating. Here is God’s story.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” And then in a masterful stroke of brilliance to confuse evolutionists, He pulled out His giant bottle of whiteout, and started over.
“This universe looks so new and pristine.” The Holy Spirit said.
“That’s a good point, how about we make it a little more worn-in before we make more stuff.” God replied.
There are many gaps in the theory that God had to start over, so theologians went ahead and called it the “Gap theory.”
In the beginning God made heaven and earth. Up to this point, there had just been a vast enormity of overwhelming nothingness, but then God began forming wonderfully bright nuclear-powered lights across the universe. Whether it should be said that the lights were big or small really depends on whether we are referring to your perspective or God’s. When creation first banged into existence it was a most spectacular sight, although there weren’t any humans around yet to appreciate and share in God’s masterpiece. But we’ll soon get to that part in a minute, depending on how fast you can read.
God didn’t have a zoning permit for Hell so he never made one. Instead of actually creating Hell, He just defined it as anywhere that He wasn’t.
Now that the universe was in place and functioning properly it was time to focus on planet terra-forming. From this point on God began to focus his efforts on planet earth, a small planet in a remote solar system, on the edge of the milky way.
On day number two, the God of light separated the light from the darkness. He established a day and night greenhouse ecosystem ready to sustain life.
It was now the very first morning on planet earth and it was not all that un-similar from all of the other mornings to follow, except that there were a few things that didn’t exist here yet, like acorns, unicorns, or mega-churches.
“Hey you two,” God proclaimed, “This is one of the neatest things that I have ever done, I’m going to keep creating more stuff.”
“Yes, we knew that.”
“So what do you guys think so far.”
“We absolutely love it.”
“I know right, this really is quite good.”
“I’m just excited to be able to see the face of the creator.”
The 3rd day was another really busy day for God. He really had his hands full, since, as we know, He’s got the whole world in His hands.
He didn’t want his creatures wallowing around in the mud, so first he had to separate the land from the water in a major terra-forming endeavor. He put big dents in the oceans so that some dry land could pop up and become mountains. That would have been fun to see, at a safe distance, of course.
As if all of that wasn’t enough, He was determined to keep going. He had a lot to do and wouldn’t let the mid-week blues get Him down.
He dedicated day four to creating coffee, grapes, and cherries, as well as many other delicious leafy-seed-bearing-planty-things. The lava rich soil was prepped and fertile enough to accept a wide variety of vegetation.
On day five he activated his fish and bird designs. It’s a good thing the edible plants were ready and waiting.
On the sixth day God created land animals, this clearly resolves the philosophical question of why the chicken crossed the road before the egg did. God then created dogs to show us how he would like us to respond to Him. Unfortunately, many of us respond to Him more like cats.
There’s a lot of stuff people wish that God never created, like leaches, slugs, Howard Stern, etc…, but the fact is that every creature was created to have a purpose-driven-life. In fact, this planet would have run as smooth as a German clock if Satan hadn’t twisted everything up when humankind had their first taste of sin. But I’m getting ahead of the story.
God created a pristine paradise ready for the tenants to move in. He decided to select a caretaker who could live in harmony within the nature that he would rule over. The lion was too lazy to take on the responsibility, so God engineered humans to perform this task. It is not God’s fault if many humans choose not to live up to their design specifications. So let’s wander over to the Garden of Eden and check on our friend and ancestor Adam who is about to get born.
Humans are given some rules
But wait there’s more. Once the land animals were in place with all the necessary instincts, the God of light made man in his own image, from dirt. When it says we are all made in the image of God, the context in this passage seems to imply that we are all supposed to be zoologists. It never says that we can be everywhere at once and know everything, even though many teenagers will try to tell you differently.
So, anyway, at the end of the sixth day, God created Adam in His own image, and was very pleased with His design. Now I am going to assume that Adam was pretty handsome, because I’d feel sorry for God if He looked anything like me.
Unfortunately, over the centuries we have had so much genetic mutation and decay, that our species has been continually devolving, so that we now are burdened with pimples, receding hairlines, and the WWF.
Perhaps Adam was too busy inventing “the wheel”, and “fire” to come up with a word to differentiate between “One literal day” and “One eon”. For a guy who lived as old as the hills you’d think he’d be more interested in measuring time. Perhaps our earliest ancestors were really laid back about time, even more than say, Hawaiians.
Back then you would say “I’ll see you at 7 PM tonight” and your friend would come by 70 years later and hope he wasn’t crashing the party early. Therefore, we will never know whether it took 6 literal days or 6 literal eons to create everything. Too bad, it would be useful to know if God ever hurried anything.
And finally on the 7th day, God came up with the greatest invention of all time: relaxation.
God gave the first human only a first name of Adam. Since he was the only human around, there was no need for last names or belly buttons. As Adam used to tell his kids, “If God had intended us to have belly button rings; He would have made us all with belly buttons.”
God instructed Adam about the rules of the garden, make that The Rule, “Now, don’t you mess up this planet that I’ve worked so hard to prepare,” God instructed. “Also, don’t eat or even touch that Tree of Good and Evil over there. Otherwise, you will bring death into this world and then it’ll be nothing but work, work, work, and rules for every little thing.”
Adam (and his perfectly formed wife Eve)
Not long after Adam had been created, he began wandering amongst the trees, and then it hit him; there was no female of his species. Adam felt very alone and had no one to converse with except the parrots, and that got boring pretty quick, ‘cause, for some reason, it seemed like they just parroted everything he said.
Next, Adam met the most exquisitely beautiful creature that he could dream of… except that it turned out that she was already dating another Baboon, within her own species.
In frustration Adam called upon his creator, “God I’m hungry.”
“You’re kidding right. There is food everywhere.” God’s gentle voice echoed off the hills.
Adam looked up, “Yes but I have no one to prepare it for me.” If God ever rolls his eyes, then now would be the time.
“What are you asking of me Adam?”
“Well the thing is that good help is really hard to find nowadays. Also, I’m lonely. All the other species here seem to come in pairs. Can’t you make a partner for me with a sweet voice to listen to?”
“I knew that you would ask this, and was waiting for you to be ready. Even when I finished with my six days of creation I knew I wasn’t really done interacting with humanity. I think that you are going to be very pleased when you see her. God put Adam to sleep and performed a little cell division out of Adams ribs.
When the operation was completed he introduced Adam to the beautiful Eve, looking as spectacularly gorgeous as her descendants. Immediately, Adam began to be blessed by her sweet voice, but it took a while to get used to it.
Adam and Eve started out their lives as nudists but didn’t realize it yet. Adam quickly made up his mind to do whatever this lovely creature wanted. And so they lived happily ever after, until the next Chapter.
Next…. How sin messed everything up, and how snakes lost their legs
—I’ve worked really hard on this. I’ve written stuff on the whole Bible with this style. If you want to see more then please don’t steal this.
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