I thought dying would hurt. Instead, it felt more like waking up. I stood beside the wreckage of my new Mercedes and felt a detached concern as I looked over at my mangled corpse. It was clear I was long past salvation.
A crackle of energy behind me made me whip around. A well-groomed businessman wearing a pristine white suit, white tie and even white shoes, approached me.
He smiled and said, “Surprised?”
I snorted and folded my arms, “About what? That I’m dead? That there’s really an afterlife? That I’m greeted to it by a used car salesman?”
His teeth smiled but not his dead eyes. “All of it. I have a proposition for you, Mr. Michael Ray Oswald.”
I knew it. I was sure if there really was an afterlife, then I could use my skills to bargain and improve my situation. “It’s not personal. It’s business”, had been my life’s motto. Not only had this mantra brought me success in life but apparently would do so in death as well. “I’d like to stay in one of the nicer areas. What are your terms?”
The man in white stroked his well-groomed white goatee. “I have a task I’d like you to help me with. If you do well then you’ll be rewarded.”
“You’re on. Where do we begin…?” Before I was done talking, he and I were standing downtown Manhattan. Elegant skyscrapers filled my vision.
“See that little old lady?” My afterlife guide pointed towards a blue haired old lady standing next to a crosswalk. “Help her cross the street.”
I willed my form to float over to her. It was actually fun. I reached out to her and my hand slid through her stomach.
The man in white chuckled and tapped his right temple. “Clear your mind of emotion and concentrate.”
That wasn’t hard for me as I was a daily practitioner of yoga. I focused all of my energy towards grabbing the woman’s hand. The crosswalk sign counted down, giving us fifty seconds remaining. Plenty of time. I began pulling her across the street. She resisted at first but then relented. Once she reached the other side, I sighed and let go.
She yanked her hand away and started wobbling back the way we had just come. I looked at the timer and there was only eight seconds remaining. I shouted at her but she didn’t hear. I swiped out to grab her but I couldn’t connect. I felt panic as there was only two seconds remaining and she was in the middle of the street. A dump truck squeeled around a corner and barrelled towards us.
I ran towards the vehicle and it passed right through me. I turned around to see the old lady standing right in front of me. She scowled at me for a moment and then looked straight up.
Thank God she’s safe.
Then a light shined between two skyscrapers. The smiling woman floated quickly up in a golden beam and into the clouds.
The man in white started belly-laughing. “I knew you were our man,” his laughter staccatoed between breaths.
A crowd began forming around a pile of grey rags. I hovered closer and saw the crumpled remains of the old woman. The angle of her neck made it evident her body would not be able to be reanimated.
The man in white calmed down enough to ask, “Are you ready?”
“For what?”
“For Hell, dummy.”
“But it’s not my fault. I did as you asked.”
“Exactly!” He laughed.
I felt very confused. “Aren’t you an angel sent to bring me to Heaven?”
That sent the man in white off on another bout of gagging laughter. “You thought… you thought… after your wretched life… ha ha… that you’d … haha… be going to Heaven?”
“But…”
He stood back up and breathed deeply. “Thank you. I needed that. I haven’t laughed that hard since the nineteen forties. Our deal was, you’d get what you deserved. I knew you’d make a big mess, just as you did when you were alive.”
“But…”
“Sorry human. It’s not personal. It’s business.” He resumed laughing as he dragged me to Hell.