There is a secret word that people use to describe when a baby throws-up on you. It is called \u201cPosit.\u201d It may be short for \u201cdeposit\u201d but it is nothing like the experience you get when putting money in the bank. It is more like the experience you have when asking for a loan, as in, \u201cthe loan-officer rudely \u201cposited\u201d his opinions regarding my financial situation all over me.\u201d Then our child can posit all over his tie before we withdraw ourselves from the premises.<\/span><\/p>\n I would rather we use a more descriptive word like \u201cmarsh-mellowing,\u201d as in, \u201cAfter an extra long feed, my little tyke likes to \u2018marsh-mellow\u2019 all over my newly ironed work shirt.\u201d Either that, or \u201cCottage cheesing\u201d because either one of those phrases would be accurately more descriptive than \u201cpositing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n You can easily tell who the dads are out there. They are the ones who no longer care about the \u201cmarsh-mellow shirt stains\u201d or even the magic marker doodles on their kakis. Fashion becomes a luxury and what becomes important is how many baby-tools he can carry with him. This road-warrior dad is proud that his portable baby-bag can store wipes, rash cream, and pacifiers without ever dampening his accounting reports. Imagine a waterproof laptop that doubles as a changing table.<\/span><\/p>\n The only flaw in this is that dad\u2019s tend to be male, which means that there will always be some important items left behind like the diapers. Even a snazzy laptop changing-table wouldn\u2019t be able to correct that mistake. That\u2019s ok though, that\u2019s why men don\u2019t have the same sense of smell that women do. We can easily allow our baby to wallow in the same pee drenched diaper for hours.<\/span><\/p>\n On a yuckier note, in the interest of informing my readers about things that they would have been happier remaining ignorant about, I want to discuss poo. The first kind of poo that every baby first drops into their diapers is called meconium. It is a black tar substance and you can\u2019t wait for it to change. It doesn\u2019t, at least not quickly. Once this sticky black tar substance is out of your child\u2019s system, it is replaced by the same stuff, only it is now colored brown. I refer to this as \u201cleach poo\u201d because it sticks to the butt like little brown leaches. That really is what it looks like. Little brown leaches that refuse to come off. This is interspersed with \u201cCottage cheese\u201d poo. It looks almost identical to what if often \u201cposited\u201d on your shoulder. It is very easy to clean off your child\u2019s bum.<\/span><\/p>\n After several months though, you are going to want to give your child solid food. The more solid the food the more solid and smelly the poo is going to be. Brave souls who could endure the sight of infant poo\u2019s may wretch at the smell of toddler poo\u2019s. This is why I am going to do everything I can to toilet-train my child. Unfortunately, I left my training manual behind. For now, I\u2019m going to ignore the smell until my wife gags and deals with it.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ll be hiding under the bed. Don\u2019t tell her.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There is a secret word that people use to describe when a baby throws-up on you. It is called \u201cPosit.\u201d It may be short for \u201cdeposit\u201d but it is nothing like the experience you get when putting money in the bank. It is more like the experience you have when asking for a loan, as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7,5,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2137","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-children","category-humor","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2137"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2138,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions\/2138"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}