Dappled afternoon light seeps through my angled window blinds. I close my eyes and sigh as my cartoonish theme song mysteriously begins to play. It somehow always let\u2019s me know when a new case is about to begin.<\/p>\n
On cue, there is a knock at my door. \u201cCome on in,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
The door slowly opens revealing a gorgeous woman with satin black hair. She could not look more perfect if an artist had drawn her. I regret that I didn\u2019t unclutter my office this morning. I could have at least hid the piles of unpaid bills.<\/p>\n
She confidently struts in, wearing a sexy, tight-fitting blue dress that seems undetachable from her body.<\/p>\n
My gadget eyes pop out and I quickly jam them back into place.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hear you\u2019re the best.\u201d Her voice is like dew dropping in a rainforest. This is, of course, very true. Practically every week, I am called upon to save the world from evil villains.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m here to help.\u201d I try to demonstrate humility as my unique robotic technology plays a pivotal role in my success.<\/p>\n
She half sits on my oak desk. \u201cMy name is Veronica and I need you to rescue my kidnapped friend.\u201d She flutters her eyelashes. Her voice is sultry and her lips pouty and it takes all my concentration to focus on what she is actually saying.<\/p>\n
She lays a photograph in front of me of another woman of impossible beauty. Clearly, this is the person I must rescue. Wide innocent eyes, a sweet smile and an elegant dress. I\u2019m hooked.<\/p>\n
\u201cBell.\u201d Veronica says. I look at the small brass bell on my desk and she laughs, a soft tinkling sound. \u201cNo, the girl you must find. Her name is Bell.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe police?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe bad guys will kill her if I go to them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, not to fear, missy. You\u2019ve come to the right place. Why, I\u2019ll rescue her in no time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Veronica folds her hands to her heart and says, \u201cOh, thank you, Inspector Gadget. I knew I could rely on you. Hurry, we haven\u2019t much time.\u201d<\/p>\n
She leads me outside to a beautifully restored classic purple Corvette. She starts to get in the driver seat, but I hold my hand out. \u201cYou can navigate, my dear. As you said, \u2018time is of the essence.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Every gentle push of my foot lurches the car forward faster than I expect. It\u2019s almost as hard to control as my inbuilt robotics. Each time I find my speed becoming unmanageable, I gently tap the stiff breaks. This causes the tires to skid arching S\u2019s on the road. Veronica is chewing her lovely nails. Maybe she\u2019s hungry.<\/em> I turn and start to tell her why she shouldn\u2019t do that, when we hit a sharp, gravely turn. We spin out and smash into a fence alongside a pasture.<\/p>\n The car won\u2019t start, but we are unharmed. I spot a nearby steed, chewing grass and staring at us with bored eyes. He\u2019s a chestnut bay with a black mane and tail. As an avid equestrian, I recognize this obvious alternative.<\/p>\n Veronica\u2019s dress is so tight that she must ride side-saddle, without the saddle, that is. I think she\u2019s impressed with my resourcefulness. \u201cGo-Go-Gadget reins,\u201d I say, and my arms turn into a bridle and reins.<\/p>\n With her direction, through a forest, she leads us to a majestic castle. Instead of bricks, though, it appears, the builder has used Lincoln-Logs to give the castle a log-cabin feel.<\/p>\n \u201cI shall now rescue your friend.\u201d I face the castle and command my body. \u201cGo-Go Gadget Legs.\u201d<\/p>\n Coiled legs spring out from under me. I fly high into the air and land in the murky moat. I clamber up the bank, but I slip back a few times because of the coils on my legs. I try to wipe the mud from my white green tropical shirt, but it seems it is now tan and green. I now regret not wearing my tan, trench coat that I usually bring.<\/p>\n I finally stumble back to Veronica and say, \u201cLet\u2019s try that again. Go-Go Gadget Legs.\u201d This time, they spring me right up to the roof, but my momentum carries me to spring off to the opposite side of the castle. My legs then bounce me right back to the castle\u2019s roof courtyard. Not wanting to spring off again, I lift my legs up and say, \u201cGo-Go Gadget Butt.\u201d<\/p>\n Immediately, my butt swells into a giant balloon. When I land, it makes a whoopee-cushion ruckus as it deflates.<\/p>\n If the bad-guys don\u2019t know I\u2019m coming, they sure do now.<\/em><\/p>\n Winding stairs curve down from the rooftop. I am greatly startled to see three medieval looking knights with spears. But, why not, this is a castle, after all.<\/em> I trip and start rolling, so again I say, \u201cGo-Go Gadget Butt.\u201d Like a giant snowball, I avalanche down on top of the men. I apologize but I don\u2019t think they hear me. Their spears are harmlessly absorbed by my ultra-diaper. At the bottom of the stairs, my butt retracts, un-harmed. The soldiers are unconscious.<\/p>\n A great, echoing hall looms before me, decorated in dozens of ornate draperies. In the middle of the room, the exquisite girl from the photograph is tied to a red, timeworn, school desk-chair. She is gagged. Otherwise, I know she would be trying to profusely thank me.<\/p>\n I go over to her and remove the gag so that she may do so. Suddenly, a large golden cage crashes down around me.<\/p>\n A trap! I should have known!<\/em><\/p>\n Veronica enters the hall.<\/p>\n \u201cHurry! Help us!\u201d I shout.<\/p>\n She grins and sashays towards Bell and me.<\/p>\n Ending Version 1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cI knew you\u2019d take the bait. I need the technology from your cybernetic body to restore my kitty cat, fluffy, back to life. Your life was irrelevant anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n Ending Version 2<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cI work for the CIA. We can\u2019t permit our technology to be used in such a public setting. You\u2019ll have to be dismantled.\u201d<\/p>\n Ending Version 3<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cMy daddy is your arch-nemesis, Mr. Claw. He said he\u2019d guarantee my dear Archie will marry me, if I brought you to him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ending Version 4<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cThe world has no more room for your brand of chauvinism, Uncle Gadget. It is I, your niece Penny, who solved all of your cases. You abandoned me in that vat of acid, but I escaped. It took years of reconstructive surgery, and I look very different, but I will finally have my revenge.\u201d<\/p>\n Ending Version 5<\/strong><\/p>\n Bell approaches and hugs me from behind, \u201cI have dreamed my whole life of being united with you, my big beast. Now we shall be together forever.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dappled afternoon light seeps through my angled window blinds. I close my eyes and sigh as my cartoonish theme song mysteriously begins to play. It somehow always let\u2019s me know when a new case is about to begin. On cue, there is a knock at my door. \u201cCome on in,\u201d I say. The door slowly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2123","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2123"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2124,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2123\/revisions\/2124"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sanborns.org\/word_press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}